- From the darkness, life springs forth.
Healing myself and helping others heal has become a way of life for me, but I have been on a long journey to arrive at this place. I hope my story will inspire you on your own healing journey and serve as an example of what is truly possible.
When I was in my early 20’s, I was quite certain I had fertility problems. My periods were long, severe and painful. I intuitively felt that I may be barren. Nevertheless, as is the case with most people in their early 20’s, I buried that thought and pushed through life. I allowed my intellect, my drive and my constant desire for achievement to lead the way, even when that didn’t always feel right.
I attended law school and ignored some warning signs that this might not be the best path for me. I worked hard at my day job as a paralegal and took my law classes in the evening. Many of the hours outside of work and school were spent on my studies. Sleep took a back seat in my life. Although I was achieving academic success in law school, my health began to suffer.
While still in law school, I reached out for medical help. My menstrual cycle pain was no longer confined to my menstrual cycles, and my cyclical bleeding was becoming excessive–often lasting for ten days or more. My left leg sometimes felt numb. Modern medicine, however, was following the path of least resistance. Doctor after doctor told me nothing was wrong. I was young, active and healthy. I was told my pain was due to constipation. I was twice told I was pregnant, even though I was not sexually active at the time. I was told my cervix was thickening. I was told I would live to be 90 and bear 9 children! I knew this dismissive diagnosing was incorrect, but I didn’t know where to turn. The pain associated with my menstrual periods began lasting 10-15 days each month, and the pain was unusually intense. I would often wake up at night and find tears involuntarily flowing down my cheeks in response to the pain. I was, in short, a physical mess.
At this point, I was referred to a doctor who finally diagnosed me with stage-4 endometriosis. I was thrilled to have a diagnosis, because I thought if we knew what was causing me all of these problems, it could be fixed. Wrong. Stage-4 is the most severe classification of this disease. The reproductive tissue in my uterus had somehow backed up into my abdominal cavity. This led to the depositing of endometrial tissue on various of my internal organs. The endometrial tissue was hormonally triggered, so every time I bled with my menstrual cycle, this tissue would bleed, causing internal bleeding and scar tissue.
My new doctor explored my condition through a laparoscope. He intended to use his laser to eliminate some of the abnormal tissue, but the disease had progressed too far for his laser to be of much use. I had endometrial tissue on the wall of my abdominal cavity, as well as on my bladder, uterus, ovaries, colon and the artery to my left leg. I had tumors of scar tissue forming in my abdominal cavity. He closed me up and prescribed Lupron for six months–an effort to get the disease under control. Lupron put me in a medically induced menopausal state; the goal was to stop the cyclical trigger to the endometrial tissue and put me in remission. The initial round of Lupron (replete with flashing hot menopausal side-effects) put me in a very short remission. A few months after my initial Lupron therapy, my left leg began to grow numb when I sat through my law classes. The endometrial tissue that had deposited itself on my bladder returned, causing symptoms of urgency and pain. I had a tumor of scar tissue that began on the back of my uterus and wrapped around my colon. This growth continued to cause me intense pain. I began another cycle of Lupron. When this failed to work, we tried additional drug therapy, including Depo-Provera, and a series of laser surgical procedures. The artery in my left leg was cauterized. Spots of endometrial tissue were removed. Each surgical procedure or cycle of drug therapy would put me into a temporary remission, after which the disease would return, often more aggressively. The disease continued to progress and ravage my body until I was experiencing only a few relatively pain-free days each month.
I was now a new attorney, working hard to make my way in my new profession. There were days when I would close my office door while tears of pain welled up in my eyes. Ingesting 800 mg. of ibuprofen was no more effective in lessening my pain than drinking a glass of water. I felt like I had shards of glass inside my abdomen. It was not uncommon for me to be unable to sit down on a chair due to the intensely sharp pain this would cause to my rectum and colon–the location to which the worst of my disease had migrated. One lunch hour, I could no longer tolerate the pain. I felt my life force leaking from my body. I drove to my doctor’s office in the next town. He took one look at me and brought me back to his examining room ahead of a room filled with waiting patients. An ultrasound revealed a pool of blood in my abdomen. He scheduled an emergency appointment for me with doctors in Atlanta, Georgia, where I would be treated by world-renowned laser surgeons the following week. At this point, cost was no object. I wanted my life back.
The surgeons in Atlanta cleaned house. They removed a great deal of endometrial tissue that was all over the wall of my abdominal cavity, uterus, ovaries and bladder. They removed the tumor of scar tissue, which at this point had attached itself to my colon and was choking it off. The surgery was dangerous. The part of my colon where the endometrial tumor was affixed had to be removed through a laparoscope. After a long recovery period, I was in remission. I felt great for the first time in many years, and I thought I was completely cured. I resumed a high-stress life-style.
Shortly after my procedure, I accepted a position as a corporate attorney that required long hours and extensive travel. I slept too little and worked too many hours. While I enjoyed what felt like success for a while, I began to grow disillusioned with the life I had created. The stress levels were high; my personal life was suffering. Now in my 30’s, I still had not found a mutual, loving, caring, growing relationship. I wondered if I would ever find that connection in my life. I began to desire change. I thought if only I found a new job, I would be happy again. I would have a new, more intellectually challenging job, a new environment and opportunities to meet new friends. I began my job search.
It was about this time that I noticed lumps on my breasts, for which I needed to undergo a bilateral excisional biopsy. While fortunately both biopsies revealed benign breast tissue, my awakening began. A friend of mine, who was on her own spiritual journey, talked with me about the correlation between nurturing oneself and breast issues. She referred me to books, such as Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, by Christiane Northrup, M.D. (recommended). I was not a stranger to delving into spiritual issues, so I was open to our conversations and the books she recommended to me. My father had died when I was 11-years-old, and my dear sibling, a younger sister, had died when I was 23. Both of these losses had plunged me into years of contemplating and exploring life beyond this world and how our spiritual existence affects our physical life. It was an exploration that took me beyond the religious teachings I had grown up learning. I read books such as, Life After Life and Reflections on Life After Life, both by Raymond A. Moody, Jr., M.D. Once I dove into my legal career, however, my spiritual journey took a back seat to my fast paced life. I was now receiving another wake-up call to continue my journey within–a journey with no distance.
My work life continued to grow increasingly unsatisfactory to me. I was now aggressively looking for new work, preferably in a new city. At this time, my work friend introduced me to Mark Warner, a cardiologist, who would approximately 14 months later become my husband. He and I were both on journeys of spiritual awakening. Mark’s journey had largely been spurred on by a difficult separation and divorce process. The catalyst for my spiritual journey was my health and job stress.
While I bonded with Mark almost immediately on a soul-felt level, my intellect told me not to trust my intuition. I had been badly hurt in several previous long-term relationships, so I followed my intellect and accepted a challenging new job as litigation counsel for a major corporation in Philadelphia. (I was living in Connecticut when I met Mark.) Mark and I continued our relationship from a distance, and we both quickly learned that our growing love could not be suppressed by distance or work challenges. We began talking about marriage and the possibility of having children together.
Once I was settled in Philadelphia, however, my endometriosis returned with a vengeance. I experienced pain that often kept me from walking upright. During my menstrual cycles, I would sometimes need to curl up in a fetal position to endure the pain. It hurt to walk; it hurt to sit. I was frustrated and again, I didn’t know where to turn. I made an appointment with a high-risk pregnancy ob-gyn practice, believing that they could find the ultimate cure for me. I now, more than ever, wanted to preserve my fertility so that I could one day conceive children with Mark.
My doctor was a woman–someone, I told myself, who would be able to understand my urge to bear children. After reading my medical history and examining me, she unemotionally informed me that modern medical science had done everything possible for me. She told me the only way she might be able to help my pain was for me to have a hysterectomy. She told me there was no hope of my ever having a baby, and she delivered this news to me as if she were informing me I could not afford the Gucci purse I desired. I put on my best stone face, walked out of her office and broke down in tears.
I immediately called Mark, now my constant confidant. At this time, he had a part-time holistic healing center, along with his traditional medical practice, in Connecticut. He was trained in complementary healing modalities, having taken an intensive three year-long course, and he was convinced that together, we could construct a holistic regimen that would defeat my endometriosis and preserve my fertility. And so I left the world of modern medicine to do something radical–heal myself of an incurable disease. I began immediately.
Our plan attacked the disease on multiple levels. First, Mark encouraged me to improve my diet by eating fresher and more fibrous foods, including more fruits, vegetables and whole grains. He also believed we needed to keep my colon cleansed, so I began regularly drinking Essiac Tea. I also increased my daily water intake, a habit which I continue for good health to this day. I also tried to continue exercising regularly, something I had always done. We used a number of different healing modalities, including Reiki, other forms of energy healing and Shamanic healing work. I was willing to try anything. I had nothing to lose.
I also spent time examining my life up to that point. I was beginning to realize on some level that I needed to make a change to have the life I truly desired. I needed to reduce the stress in my life. I needed to “stop and smell the roses.” I spent time contemplating the source of my endometriosis. What about my life and me, other than my current stress levels, had brought this disease to me? Certainly if it were only about stress, every woman dealing with high levels of stress would also have been rendered infertile. Of course that was not the case. There was something more.
Mark also suggested that I begin a daily meditation practice. This was not an easy task for a type-A corporate attorney, who constantly had her mind full of law suits, settlements, clients, other aspects of work and my beautiful new relationship. While thoughts of my relationship were wonderful, they were nevertheless one more distraction that made it difficult for me to quiet my mind. Mark suggested I focus on a candle. I would light the candle, stare at it, and find myself asleep after a long work day, rather than in a deeply meditative state. I felt like a failure, but I kept trying to calm down my mind and focus on my breath.
With this regimen in place, my over-all well-being was slowly improving. I believe my body was calming down, but I did not feel like I was on a path to complete healing. I still suffered with a great deal of pain. I knew the endometriosis was progressing. I nevertheless remained committed to a holistic approach, and I searched for my next step. Perhaps there was an herbal concoction out there that would help me. I combed the internet to no avail.
At this time, Mark and I reconnected with a friend, who suggested I try visualization meditation. She had no information on the process of visualizing, but she mentioned that some people with incurable diseases had completely healed themselves by doing this. Despite the dearth of details, I knew enough. I felt confident that this was my next step. I was an attorney. I knew how to research, and I would find out more about visualizing.
I was particularly inspired by a recorded lecture given by Caroline Myss (a recommended author). She told a story of a little boy with an inoperable, malignant brain tumor. He was given only months to live, but fortunately, his oncologist suggested to his parents that he try visualizing–the only hope the physician could offer. At his parents urging, the little boy quickly adopted a daily visualization practice. He was about 8 years old, and was very much interested in Star Wars. Every morning this little boy would get up and go into a meditation, during which he visualized himself as a star ship captain. Every day, he would shoot at the other star ships. One morning as he was visualizing, he blew up his enemy’s biggest star ship. He said nothing about this to his parents. The next morning, the young lad’s mother came into his bedroom and asked him to do his visualizations. He told his mother that there was no need to do them anymore. He calmly informed her that his tumor was gone. It had been blown up! Not believing him, the boy’s mother pressed him to meditate, which he dutifully did. Two weeks later, the boy went to his oncologist and was given a clean bill of health. The tumor was gone. He was completely cancer free.
After hearing this, my mind was brought back to a documentary I had seen years earlier on a popular television news show. The show produced a story about a man who healed himself of a malignant brain tumor through visualization. This man would go outdoors each day, breathe in the fresh air, stand in a grounded position (feet firmly planted on Mother Earth), close his eyes and visualize. He imagined his brain tumor was a carrot patch and that a rabbit was eating all of the carrots. He did this exercise regularly for a period of time and completely eradicated his tumor. A brain scan showed no evidence of it.
At that point I knew enough. If an 8-year-old could figure out visualization, so could I. If he could heal himself of an incurable disease, so could I! I felt confident that I could come up with my own unique form of visualization and heal myself. I believed I would have the support of my spiritual guides and my angels while doing this, and so I began.
I meditated early every morning at the same time each day–before I began my daily preparation for the day. To support me in my process, Mark meditated daily at the same time I did, three states away. Early in the morning was a perfect time for me. My mind was not racing with the day’s agenda; thoughts were not competing for my attention. I woke up and propped myself up in bed on multiple pillows. For the first time in my life, I could actually feel the presence of Angels in my bedroom with me. I felt completely supported in my healing process.
At first, I didn’t know what to do. I simply closed my eyes and visualized Light coming into my body. Soon, however, I developed a visualization method that I now teach to others. I would start with deep cleansing breaths. I would breathe bright golden or white light from Creator deeply into my abdomen and exhale what I visualized as black smoke. The smoke represented my disease. I would then calm my breath and imagine a very tiny version of myself climbing down an internal step ladder that started at my Third Eye (forehead) and ended in my abdomen, where all of my endometriosis was located. It was from my abdomen that I experienced interactive visualizations. The visualizations were not planned. They came to me, or were given to me by the Angels. They were different each day and took me on some incredible journeys. I was finding it easy to meditate. I was able to keep my focus on the visual images more easily than I was able to keep my focus on a flame or my breath alone. There was no room for thoughts of my work or relationship with Mark while I was experiencing my visualizations.
My visualizations were numerous, but I would like to share some of these incredible healing experiences with you. One morning, I walked down my step ladder and found white roses lying in a pool of blood that had formed in my abdomen. I felt the strong presence of my beloved sister, Cathy, who had died many years earlier. She loved roses, but she loved red roses more than any other color. Why had she left me these white roses?
The next morning, I again walked down my staircase to my abdomen and found that the white roses had absorbed all of the blood in my abdominal cavity. The white roses were now red, and the blood was completely gone. I could clearly see that. I then knew that I had to gather up the roses, put them into a bushel basket and throw them into the eternal abyss, as I came to call it. To reach the eternal abyss, I unzipped my abdomen and threw the roses out into the blackness. I then zipped my abdomen back up and ended my meditation for the day.
On another morning, I stood inside my abdominal cavity and heard my beloved collie dog barking from inside my uterus. She was running in circles and barking until the spots of endometriosis (visualized as red leaves) fell off the outside of my uterus. I found 17 or 18 bushel baskets surrounding my uterus. The red leaves fell off my uterus into these baskets. Once the baskets were full, I put on a pair of gardening gloves and emptied all of them into the spiritual abyss, where they were incinerated. Again, I had to unzip my uterus and throw the leaves out into the blackness. My collie dog then licked the inside of my uterus to help it heal.
On another morning, I planted forget-me-not seeds in my uterus. The blue color felt healing for me. During my meditations, I planted other flowers in my uterus as well. One morning, after planting flowers the day before, I noticed that they had absorbed some blood and endometrial tissue. The flowers were turning red. They were not, however, yet ready to be picked and thrown into the spiritual abyss. I somehow knew that. As I stood looking at the flowers and the healing work they were doing for me, I clearly heard, “Sugar and spice and everything nice. That’s what little girls are made of.” I instantly knew that this voice was that of my father, who had died when I was eleven years old. As soon as those words were spoken, soft, white, sparkling sugar came down on top of the flowers to soothe and help heal the diseased tissue.
On yet another morning, I climbed down my step ladder and a beautiful, lightly salty spiritual ocean–cleansing and healing–filled my abdominal cavity until I was flooded out. I went over to my colon to escape the water and began pulling pieces of seaweed off my colon and putting them into a yellow, plastic child’s sand pail. As I was collecting more seaweed from my colon, I came across a piece of driftwood. The driftwood was attached to my colon, and I pulled it off. It was incredibly beautiful, and I did not want to part with it. Then, I realized it was my endometriosis. I had somehow grown attached to it! It had become part of my identity. I had become the young woman with endometriosis. When I realized this, I thanked the driftwood for the insight and benefits it had brought to my life. I expressed love for it and then released it, along with the seaweed, into the spiritual abyss. I felt a great release.
On yet another morning, I met an Angel as I walked down the ladder into my abdominal cavity. The Angel asked me what I wanted. I said, “Healing; to know God; to know Love; and to do the Creator’s work.” When I arrived in my abdomen, it was filled with Angelic light. It was overwhelmingly bright and felt indescribably beautiful. I could feel the presence of Angels. They soothed and healed my colon, and I could feel it releasing.
Some mornings, I would paint the inside of my uterus in soft pastel colors in preparation for a new baby. Other days, I would envision gentle ocean waves rolling over my uterus, ovaries, abdominal cavity, bladder and colon. The salt water was soothing, healing. On other mornings, I would collect seashells scattered along the perimeter of my abdominal cavity. The shells represented my endometriosis. I would place the shells into children’s sand buckets and throw them into the eternal abyss through my unzipped uterus.
While some of the visualizations seemed bizarre, even fabricated, I learned to trust everything I was given and everything I saw and experienced during my morning meditations. I realized that my visualizations were not inventions of my intellect. There were real. I was receiving healing assistance from Creator every morning. The assistance manifested itself as visualizations that I could comprehend.
I meditated every morning for approximately five months. This was not a quick fix, and a commitment to and belief in the process was essential. This was not a pill I took to quickly eradicate my pain and disease. I continued to experience some pain during these months, but I noticed steady progress. The duration and intensity of the pain began to lessen. I remained in constant gratitude for my healing.
I began my visualization meditations in May of 2000. By September of the same year, I knew I was in a complete remission. I experienced no more pain with my menstrual cycles. I felt whole, healthy and completely healed. Mark and I went on to have a Thanksgiving wedding that year. We had a lot to be thankful for.
We later went on to have our beautiful son. I gave birth to him by Caesarean Section. This was fortunate in that it allowed my obstetrician to see inside my abdominal cavity. The doctor informed me that he saw absolutely no evidence of endometriosis. He told me that the healing was so complete there wasn’t even evidence of scar tissue–not even on my colon which had been cut and sewn back together! He couldn’t even see evidence of that surgical procedure. ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, my friends!
In peace and healing,
Susan